"What do you want?"

People love to ask it. 

"What do you want?" 

Like you owe them an answer. 

Like they deserve to have this look into your soul. 

Into your hopes and dreams. 

"What do you want?" 

I'll tell you what I want.

I want greatness. 

I want to be great. 

I want to be somebody. 

I want to do things....big things. 

I want to make a difference. 

I want to change the world.

I want to be memorable. 

I want people to remember my name.

I want to impact people's lives. 

I want to create a legacy. 

I want to build a better tomorrow. 

That's what I want. 

Greatness. 

You ask me, "What do you want?"

Excepting me to give you a list of qualities I want in a man. 

Like that's all I think about. 

Like I sit around, waiting for some prince to come and save me. 

I need no prince. 

I don't need to be saved.

I am a warrior. 

Come fight with me. 

Or leave me to fight alone. 

Greatness does not need two to be bestowed. 

And I do not need you. 

What do I want? 

I want respect.

I want to be valued. 

I want to be treated well.

I want to be looked up to for what I've accomplished, 

not made to feel ashamed because you haven't come this far. 

I want to be sought after. 

I want to be a priority. 

I want to travel. 

I want to experience life. 

I want adventure. 

I want all this and so much more.

I want things that you have never even imagined. 

And I can tell you none of this. 

Because you would not understand.

So, for the third time, you ask me, "What do you want?" 

And as the walls go up I say,  "I don't know." 

And smile. 

The Girl

I've never been that girl.

The one that needs saving.

The one that calls you, crying at 2am. 

I've wanted to be. 

Sometimes, I try. 

But then, at that critical moment,

That turning point,

I stop.

I wipe away the tears.

I lift up my head.

I smile.

That is the girl I have always been.

The strong one.

The girl who can make it on her own.

I think that's why it made me sad.

Because sometimes, the girl who can make it on her own,

Is left to make it on her own. 

Hard times, come again no more.

I have these days now.

These terribly long, silent days where I live with this overwhelming fear that I’ll end up alone.

I find myself sitting on the floor, no lights on, wearing a T-shirt, coffee in hand, trying to think up some grand escape plan from my life.

There isn’t one. 

There is no neon-flashing exit sign. 

No lighted path.

There is just me.

And my mind.

I can be so strong some days.

So confident.

I make plans to conquer the world over a breakfast bar on my morning drive and have accomplished incredible things by the time I down a liquid lunch at 4. 

But I can’t prepare for these days.

These days when I wonder where I screwed up. 

Where I realize that no matter how many ways I try to keep buys, at the end of the day I’m alone.

A doctorate won’t keep me company when as an only child, I bury my parents.

My accomplishments won’t hold my hand.

Being a strong, independent woman is something to be proud of.

It’s also desperately sad. 

And so I sit here, in the dark, with my coffee, waiting for a new day, contemplating my failures and flaws.

Because strong, independent women have dark days, too.