The Girl

I've never been that girl.

The one that needs saving.

The one that calls you, crying at 2am. 

I've wanted to be. 

Sometimes, I try. 

But then, at that critical moment,

That turning point,

I stop.

I wipe away the tears.

I lift up my head.

I smile.

That is the girl I have always been.

The strong one.

The girl who can make it on her own.

I think that's why it made me sad.

Because sometimes, the girl who can make it on her own,

Is left to make it on her own. 

Hard times, come again no more.

I have these days now.

These terribly long, silent days where I live with this overwhelming fear that I’ll end up alone.

I find myself sitting on the floor, no lights on, wearing a T-shirt, coffee in hand, trying to think up some grand escape plan from my life.

There isn’t one. 

There is no neon-flashing exit sign. 

No lighted path.

There is just me.

And my mind.

I can be so strong some days.

So confident.

I make plans to conquer the world over a breakfast bar on my morning drive and have accomplished incredible things by the time I down a liquid lunch at 4. 

But I can’t prepare for these days.

These days when I wonder where I screwed up. 

Where I realize that no matter how many ways I try to keep buys, at the end of the day I’m alone.

A doctorate won’t keep me company when as an only child, I bury my parents.

My accomplishments won’t hold my hand.

Being a strong, independent woman is something to be proud of.

It’s also desperately sad. 

And so I sit here, in the dark, with my coffee, waiting for a new day, contemplating my failures and flaws.

Because strong, independent women have dark days, too.